pause, stop, please

Time does not stop. Even as I counted the seconds, I noticed my breath trying to catch up to the needle on the clock. It really just does not stop. Tick tick tick, each tick filled with expectations and prospects, each tick consuming you and worrying you that there is no time left. There is no time for expectations or hopes or opportunity.

Just worry.

Just worry, worry worry.

It’s a constant blur and I don’t even remember what I did this morning except lie and wait for something to change. Or did I? I just lay there and people spoke and said something about a new day and the sun and the morning and excitement but I stared blankly. Someone asked if I was there, knock knock, anybody home?

I stared at the clock, which was no longer working, somewhat soothing to see a pause and a break but then I looked back at my phone for the time and it relayed reality. Reality does not stop and it’s evil.

Evil, evil, evil.

Such a mix of feelings that there’s nothing left any more, like when you mix all the colours from your texta pack and are left with a wet, thick stain and a rip in your page.

It isn’t that I failed or someone said so but the banging from within my head, a room that does not break and the thoughts constantly throbbing against the weakening walls. They’re weakening but they do not break.

I think they’re about to, but hey, I’m already here so who cares?

They told me to chill and calm down and have fun  and do what I like but what does that mean?

I’ll tell you what I like.

I like achievement, but this bog on my shoulders doesn’t let me achieve or feel as if I have even if others say so. How do I achieve when there’s nothing to achieve?

They say a break will help but what am I doing when this bog on my shoulders follows me everywhere, no holidays no pauses just there.

I am just tired and I want to stop, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be doing this. I am doing this and I wish someone (me) would let me take that time. I’ve lost myself; Naina where are you?