.

The least artful piece of writing.

It’s a splutter of mixed... I feel guilty saying “feelings” or “thoughts” because that would define me as a person who is aware. Everything is gone.

“I” am not aware. Who even am “I”? what is there?

I am so hopeless that there is just

Nothing.

Why are these fingers still typing? There is nothing to explain except: gone.

Finished.

--- here you go anyway ---

There is no way out

I am stuck.

The problem is inside me, I can’t just feel relaxed.

There is no point

I am here, I think I am here. What is it? Nothing is happening.

It feels as if God hates me. I have been placed here without support.

Im not hungry

Im not full

Im not relaxed and im not worried

Yet.

I am not.

Im not.

Nothing is funny and nothing is sad. I smile at people because that is what I am taught to do.

I live in my head, and it’s a confined, locked space with no windows or doors. I am running around frantically in a head full of activity which I do not understand.

People have given up on trying to contact the Naina inside my head; they think she’s lost anyway. They probably don’t even think that. She’s just forgotten.

She is too busy dodging all the thoughts that she isn’t even trying to get out. She doesn’t remember how she used to be. She is just there, and no one else knows how confused and hurt she is except her.

In fact, even she has forgotten that she is confused and lost and in so much pain that she thinks there is no point to anything any more. Whenever there is a minute to just stay put, when she finds a corner without thoughts running past, she thinks about what it would be like to get outside again.

Being with people is still a distant thought, but past experiences are still there. Back when the house- the room- the head she is now stuck in, was clean and new. There were windows and it was decorated with bright tables and food and lights and games. It was a good time. There was a bed, and she could sleep any time. There were guards outside who would not allow any of those thoughts to get in. I think they were her parents. Even though her parents are still there, the guards are still there, they can’t stop the vigor of those evil thoughts that enter. They can enter through the walls and they don’t leave if they don’t want to. The thoughts have found a place with more thoughts, it’s a party of thoughts, which just become so overpowering that they don’t notice the pain.

Everything, everyone, even she has forgotten she is still stuck.

Why should I care if she doesn’t?