I Regret Nothing.
When it is cold, I hate the feel of my laptop on my legs, despite the fact I am wearing long pants. It's just the metal from the Mac that pierces through my pants and through my skin. It's cold and I hate it, but I have it here on my lap because my mind is telling me I can't possible just sit here and watch TV, while sipping coffee.
I do admit, it felt good. Just moments ago, I was sitting on the carpet, had the TV on too loud, and watched Arthur. It reminded me of something. When I was young, I would come home from school and turn the TV on (too loud), and sit (too close) and watch mindlessly*. It would be ABC Kids, and I still remember the order of shows; it would be the last of the Bear in the Big Blue House, and I would sing along to the final song as the bear sang Goodbye to Luna, the moon. Then I'd maybe shift my posture a little, call out to my mum that I was hungry, and continue watching. Play School, George Shrinks, Old Tom. Arthur was by far my favourite show.
Today, as I watched Arthur, I think what I loved most was that I didn't move. My eyes were glued to the TV just like when I was younger. I remembered that I should maybe do my tax return, or maybe even colour in in my Mindfulness colouring pages Papa bought me (in an effort to undo his telling me to be productive). Maybe even sip coffee as I sat.
But no. I just watched, and finally, for once, I was engrossed in a story line. I was there. I wanted to know what happened next. I didn't feel like I should get up and "be productive."
The problem I have is that I listen. I listen to what my parents tell me. I am a good kid. My father himself tells me that I am too good. He wants me to get up and do something stupid, "live a little" as they say. My cousin (brother) just told me to stop planning. Just do it.
When I was younger I would watch a lot of TV. We used to have cable TV and all I would do was watch cartoon after cartoon, programs that I didn't care for (Bold and the Beautiful, anyone?), even A Current Affair (apparently you can get more from your tea bag simply by squeezing it with a spoon; who knew). My parents disconnected the TV because I would not study enough, I wasn't being "productive." I totally get it, I would sit and eat and eat more because if you tell your parents you were eating, they can't get you up (Indian parents). I never thought to eat slowly, just eat more (perhaps the cause of another of my problems?) so I could sit there longer.
I am glad they disconnected it. They stopped me in the tracks of wasting time and constant unproductiveness. But now they're telling me to be unproductive. I can't help but think what I would be like if they hadn't. If they hadn't ingrained in me the idea that I should be productive, that I was academically gifted, that I should get up and GO, GO, GO, would I still be like this? Would I have dug myself a pit while I aimed at perfection? Would I even had gotten into Medical School?
One good thing about me is that I have never really regretted anything. I am glad for experiences. I am happy to learn by doing, even if I make a mistake. I never thought "why did I fail?" even when I did, last semester. I simply accepted that shit happens. I never regretted that one time when I drank Tequila straight from the bottle, at the ledge along Darling Harbour, got kicked out of the club and arrived at the most deserted station at 3am to be picked up by my parents. I never regretted the hangover; I'm glad it happened because I never drank again. I am glad I went and did weed with my housemates, because I hated it and would never do it again. It just burnt and it was pointless. I never regretted having a whiff of my friend's cigarette at a Uni party, because it just made me cough.
I am glad I did something stupid. It makes me feel like I am a normal young person who makes bad decisions. My only regret, if I can call it that, is that I don't regret anything. I need to do something stupid. The problem is that I still won't regret it.
My life is so perfect that my mind drives around in circles, trying to find a problem.
Eureka! That is my problem.
*Maybe it is this self-judgement, this guilt as I mention that I was "too" close or "too" far or wasting "too" much time that left me like this.
I do admit, it felt good. Just moments ago, I was sitting on the carpet, had the TV on too loud, and watched Arthur. It reminded me of something. When I was young, I would come home from school and turn the TV on (too loud), and sit (too close) and watch mindlessly*. It would be ABC Kids, and I still remember the order of shows; it would be the last of the Bear in the Big Blue House, and I would sing along to the final song as the bear sang Goodbye to Luna, the moon. Then I'd maybe shift my posture a little, call out to my mum that I was hungry, and continue watching. Play School, George Shrinks, Old Tom. Arthur was by far my favourite show.
Today, as I watched Arthur, I think what I loved most was that I didn't move. My eyes were glued to the TV just like when I was younger. I remembered that I should maybe do my tax return, or maybe even colour in in my Mindfulness colouring pages Papa bought me (in an effort to undo his telling me to be productive). Maybe even sip coffee as I sat.
But no. I just watched, and finally, for once, I was engrossed in a story line. I was there. I wanted to know what happened next. I didn't feel like I should get up and "be productive."
The problem I have is that I listen. I listen to what my parents tell me. I am a good kid. My father himself tells me that I am too good. He wants me to get up and do something stupid, "live a little" as they say. My cousin (brother) just told me to stop planning. Just do it.
When I was younger I would watch a lot of TV. We used to have cable TV and all I would do was watch cartoon after cartoon, programs that I didn't care for (Bold and the Beautiful, anyone?), even A Current Affair (apparently you can get more from your tea bag simply by squeezing it with a spoon; who knew). My parents disconnected the TV because I would not study enough, I wasn't being "productive." I totally get it, I would sit and eat and eat more because if you tell your parents you were eating, they can't get you up (Indian parents). I never thought to eat slowly, just eat more (perhaps the cause of another of my problems?) so I could sit there longer.
I am glad they disconnected it. They stopped me in the tracks of wasting time and constant unproductiveness. But now they're telling me to be unproductive. I can't help but think what I would be like if they hadn't. If they hadn't ingrained in me the idea that I should be productive, that I was academically gifted, that I should get up and GO, GO, GO, would I still be like this? Would I have dug myself a pit while I aimed at perfection? Would I even had gotten into Medical School?
One good thing about me is that I have never really regretted anything. I am glad for experiences. I am happy to learn by doing, even if I make a mistake. I never thought "why did I fail?" even when I did, last semester. I simply accepted that shit happens. I never regretted that one time when I drank Tequila straight from the bottle, at the ledge along Darling Harbour, got kicked out of the club and arrived at the most deserted station at 3am to be picked up by my parents. I never regretted the hangover; I'm glad it happened because I never drank again. I am glad I went and did weed with my housemates, because I hated it and would never do it again. It just burnt and it was pointless. I never regretted having a whiff of my friend's cigarette at a Uni party, because it just made me cough.
I am glad I did something stupid. It makes me feel like I am a normal young person who makes bad decisions. My only regret, if I can call it that, is that I don't regret anything. I need to do something stupid. The problem is that I still won't regret it.
My life is so perfect that my mind drives around in circles, trying to find a problem.
Eureka! That is my problem.
*Maybe it is this self-judgement, this guilt as I mention that I was "too" close or "too" far or wasting "too" much time that left me like this.
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