Guilty until proven Guilty
Today I am consumed by guilt. Today I am consumed my guilt because I have been blessed, genetically, with a healthy body.
Everyone would ask me whether I had braces; my teeth were so straight and healthy. Today, those same teeth are losing their strength.
Today, my large eyes which attracted numerous compliments at any event, cannot be done up no matter how much eyeliner or eyeshadow I wear. The dark bags are noticeable.
My muscular calves and overall muscular figure would be the cause of envy from girls and boys alike. I was fit. Today, that same shareer, that same body, instead attracts questions regarding my health. (I think I still have some fitness left though, though I do not enjoy it as much as I used to.)
Today, that same mind that could easily solve maths problems, achieve distinctions and rise above any academic pursuit is turning against me. That mind would not let my body wake this morning. I lay in bed until 12pm, my legs limp and feeble. I lay there, googling worrisome phrases like "tired no workout" and "extra rest day." Pretty sure my cortisol levels rose higher.
I planned what I could and could not eat- not that I can even stick by it. I am not even good at my ED any more; it's okay, I don't want to be. I got up to eat fruit, instead added some sweet potato and a curry from last night. Fail.
I lay in bed worrying that there would be pizza at the tute tonight, and I probably will not want it, but I will eat it anyway. Cue: more guilt.
They say "you don't know what you have until it's gone." I say you don''t know what you have until it's going, and all you do is watch helplessly as it slips away. I watch helplessly but I shouldn't be helpless.
My friends what to help (I am guilty also for claiming I have no friends). My family is ready to wake up to a 4am Naina-Is-Crying call. But who wants to help someone who cannot help herself?
Today I am a criminal, with my face hanging low, in a court, just prior to the judge's sentence.
The thing is, I am already in a prison of my own.
Everyone would ask me whether I had braces; my teeth were so straight and healthy. Today, those same teeth are losing their strength.
Today, my large eyes which attracted numerous compliments at any event, cannot be done up no matter how much eyeliner or eyeshadow I wear. The dark bags are noticeable.
My muscular calves and overall muscular figure would be the cause of envy from girls and boys alike. I was fit. Today, that same shareer, that same body, instead attracts questions regarding my health. (I think I still have some fitness left though, though I do not enjoy it as much as I used to.)
Today, that same mind that could easily solve maths problems, achieve distinctions and rise above any academic pursuit is turning against me. That mind would not let my body wake this morning. I lay in bed until 12pm, my legs limp and feeble. I lay there, googling worrisome phrases like "tired no workout" and "extra rest day." Pretty sure my cortisol levels rose higher.
I planned what I could and could not eat- not that I can even stick by it. I am not even good at my ED any more; it's okay, I don't want to be. I got up to eat fruit, instead added some sweet potato and a curry from last night. Fail.
I lay in bed worrying that there would be pizza at the tute tonight, and I probably will not want it, but I will eat it anyway. Cue: more guilt.
They say "you don't know what you have until it's gone." I say you don''t know what you have until it's going, and all you do is watch helplessly as it slips away. I watch helplessly but I shouldn't be helpless.
My friends what to help (I am guilty also for claiming I have no friends). My family is ready to wake up to a 4am Naina-Is-Crying call. But who wants to help someone who cannot help herself?
Today I am a criminal, with my face hanging low, in a court, just prior to the judge's sentence.
The thing is, I am already in a prison of my own.
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