Institutionalised
Institutionalised. That's what they call it here.
I am going crazier by the minute. It is degrading and embarrassing and I feel guilty for things I have not even done. The ED does not even hate me as much as this.
According to the girls, it might be a full moon, where we all go loony. I think the nurses are going crazy and I really have not done anything wrong.
Every time you need to go to the loo, you need to ask. "Naina," (well actually they say NaYYYYYYnaaah) "where are you going?" they ask constantly. "Naina, stop pacing," "Naina, have you been exercising?" No-one knocks or asks politely. They even take assistance as a sign of ED! I wascleaning a coffee spill, I mean pacing. Instead, they accuse you as if you have committed the largest crime by walking a few steps.
Yes, I understand there have to be rules. I understand people have different issues and triggers and behaviours. But CALM THE FUCK DOWN. You are causing more anxiety than my bad ED habits are worth. Excuse me, but TRIGGER! How come eating an apple with a fork and a knife is normal? I have never been so glad to eat like a slob. I feel so normal aka NOT like the girls here. How come drinking coffee constantly (a fucking DIURETIC which is NOT helpful when your body is starving) is fine, but getting up to pour a cup of hot tea is halted by nagging "Bed rest! Bed rest!" in you ear? How come going outdoors is fine for a smoke, but you are questioned if you just want fresh air? How come the only way you can get some help is if you are unconscious or make a scene? How come no-one values honesty and gratitude? How come when you are positive and energetic they look at you like you are stupid? Sick girls with EDs can't possibly behave normally or have any sort of excitement about anything! Sense of humour? No way!
This place begs you to develop abnormal behaviours so they can pretend to solve others. Or maybe so that you come back and they can make more money. Well I know where my future career in medicine will be.
Sure, I have begun to eat regular meals and gained a bit of weight. Sure, I have developed friendships and learnt to sit with discomfort (hunger AND fullness). I've learnt how to play Bananagrams (which does make bed rest go faster!) and calm down a bit on the exercise. I have eaten different foods and found some I like and others I don't.
I do not deny any of this, but I have to go home. I am developing a paranoia which makes the ED seem harmless. A constant feeling of being watched and creeping against the walls to get to the kitchen for some water is no fun, and leads me to search desperately for something I can control. Guess where I turn to first! Luckily, the first time I tried it did not work; I got dobbed on for trying to throw out a potato (I got sweet potato instead which was fine!). Hopefully I won't spiral down that path again, but the exercise, I can sense, is coming back. The more they tell me not to, the more I take the challenge. Especially after the anger at one of the nurses when she barged in my room and accused me of exercising. I was walking. If I wanted to exercise, I would. I wouldn't waste weeks of my life, lose my job (?) and have zero normal social events if I wanted to work off my gains. I would go home and spend hours at the gym doing cardio. Which I do not, for the record. It is boring. (PT decreased my session but will decrease it further when I get out)
Honestly, I will go back to the gym. I like it. It helped me relax and get on with my day. I admit I went overboard more than a few times, so I have learnt that resting is good for me. But cleaning a coffee spill or walking for 15 minutes is not an ED thing. I used to think I was lying when I said this, but both my parents love walking and that is what we do as a family. That is what we do if I get anxious. That is how I relax. To take that away from me is to destroy my personality; I am energetic. They have a name for that: mania.
Another sign I need to go is when I start dreaming of Fortisips and sandwiches. More like calculating the meals, but it is like an insolvable maths problem which arises in your dream when you have studied maths for too long that day. That nagging impossibility of the problem is a flashing light that I have over-thought the issue. I need to go.
I have trouble deciding. This food or service will not be available at home and I need to practice that decision-making, and sitting with that choice. Further, I have been treating it like a holiday and I know that holidays don't last. You go back to the "normal" life and "normal" food and "normal" habits. If you have constant fun, you can't enjoy when it is supposed to be fun. However, this mindset is illogical (actually it is too logical and life does not require that much) so I would really like to keep eating regular meals and challenge my food choices a few times a week.
The girls here are driving me nuts. Don't know how my sister goes to a girls school but it is making me bitter and bitchy and judgemental. Everything requires a comment or judgement. No-one really focuses on themselves. The sign of a really sick girl is one who is too quiet to talk behind others, too insecure to even talk in front of them. I have seen some like that. It is unfortunate, but I am sure there is middle ground.
I am half-way there, I should just become a boy! (Just kidding, I love my boobs too much).
So now I know I need to go. I am out of here tomorrow. Let me go.
Haven't slept properly or pooped properly for days. At least crying makes me sleepy. What will cause bowel movements?
I am going crazier by the minute. It is degrading and embarrassing and I feel guilty for things I have not even done. The ED does not even hate me as much as this.
According to the girls, it might be a full moon, where we all go loony. I think the nurses are going crazy and I really have not done anything wrong.
Every time you need to go to the loo, you need to ask. "Naina," (well actually they say NaYYYYYYnaaah) "where are you going?" they ask constantly. "Naina, stop pacing," "Naina, have you been exercising?" No-one knocks or asks politely. They even take assistance as a sign of ED! I was
Yes, I understand there have to be rules. I understand people have different issues and triggers and behaviours. But CALM THE FUCK DOWN. You are causing more anxiety than my bad ED habits are worth. Excuse me, but TRIGGER! How come eating an apple with a fork and a knife is normal? I have never been so glad to eat like a slob. I feel so normal aka NOT like the girls here. How come drinking coffee constantly (a fucking DIURETIC which is NOT helpful when your body is starving) is fine, but getting up to pour a cup of hot tea is halted by nagging "Bed rest! Bed rest!" in you ear? How come going outdoors is fine for a smoke, but you are questioned if you just want fresh air? How come the only way you can get some help is if you are unconscious or make a scene? How come no-one values honesty and gratitude? How come when you are positive and energetic they look at you like you are stupid? Sick girls with EDs can't possibly behave normally or have any sort of excitement about anything! Sense of humour? No way!
This place begs you to develop abnormal behaviours so they can pretend to solve others. Or maybe so that you come back and they can make more money. Well I know where my future career in medicine will be.
Sure, I have begun to eat regular meals and gained a bit of weight. Sure, I have developed friendships and learnt to sit with discomfort (hunger AND fullness). I've learnt how to play Bananagrams (which does make bed rest go faster!) and calm down a bit on the exercise. I have eaten different foods and found some I like and others I don't.
I do not deny any of this, but I have to go home. I am developing a paranoia which makes the ED seem harmless. A constant feeling of being watched and creeping against the walls to get to the kitchen for some water is no fun, and leads me to search desperately for something I can control. Guess where I turn to first! Luckily, the first time I tried it did not work; I got dobbed on for trying to throw out a potato (I got sweet potato instead which was fine!). Hopefully I won't spiral down that path again, but the exercise, I can sense, is coming back. The more they tell me not to, the more I take the challenge. Especially after the anger at one of the nurses when she barged in my room and accused me of exercising. I was walking. If I wanted to exercise, I would. I wouldn't waste weeks of my life, lose my job (?) and have zero normal social events if I wanted to work off my gains. I would go home and spend hours at the gym doing cardio. Which I do not, for the record. It is boring. (PT decreased my session but will decrease it further when I get out)
Honestly, I will go back to the gym. I like it. It helped me relax and get on with my day. I admit I went overboard more than a few times, so I have learnt that resting is good for me. But cleaning a coffee spill or walking for 15 minutes is not an ED thing. I used to think I was lying when I said this, but both my parents love walking and that is what we do as a family. That is what we do if I get anxious. That is how I relax. To take that away from me is to destroy my personality; I am energetic. They have a name for that: mania.
Another sign I need to go is when I start dreaming of Fortisips and sandwiches. More like calculating the meals, but it is like an insolvable maths problem which arises in your dream when you have studied maths for too long that day. That nagging impossibility of the problem is a flashing light that I have over-thought the issue. I need to go.
I have trouble deciding. This food or service will not be available at home and I need to practice that decision-making, and sitting with that choice. Further, I have been treating it like a holiday and I know that holidays don't last. You go back to the "normal" life and "normal" food and "normal" habits. If you have constant fun, you can't enjoy when it is supposed to be fun. However, this mindset is illogical (actually it is too logical and life does not require that much) so I would really like to keep eating regular meals and challenge my food choices a few times a week.
The girls here are driving me nuts. Don't know how my sister goes to a girls school but it is making me bitter and bitchy and judgemental. Everything requires a comment or judgement. No-one really focuses on themselves. The sign of a really sick girl is one who is too quiet to talk behind others, too insecure to even talk in front of them. I have seen some like that. It is unfortunate, but I am sure there is middle ground.
I am half-way there, I should just become a boy! (Just kidding, I love my boobs too much).
So now I know I need to go. I am out of here tomorrow. Let me go.
Haven't slept properly or pooped properly for days. At least crying makes me sleepy. What will cause bowel movements?
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