I am a wise, old woman
I am a wise, old woman. Life is full, rich and meaningful. I am totally satisfied and peaceful with being me.
I am sitting in a rocking chair outside on a verandah like they do in Old Tom, the cartoon. I am knitting because that is what old wise women do. I remind myself of my grandmother, Mummiji, and also Naniji (I have never met her but she was perfect I have heard). I did not realise but my mother was strong as well. She was caring and accomplished so much. I never told her how much she was worth to me. Or if I did, I would take advantage of her.
In my past, from when I was 15 to about 22, I had an eating disorder. I was a beautiful young woman, but I never let my body grow to what it should have been, naturally. I have no idea what I should have looked like at 18. I was very interested in boys when I was 14; there was a boy I really liked and it was great while it lasted. The peak of my "puberty" was spent in despair and mood swings, a smile that hid a really really hurt Naina. I was lonely and I didn't admit it until I was 21. I had lost my friends; it didn't help when I was already having a tough time making them. I was full of energy and things to say and humour, but I lost it along with my confidence.
I got stuck inside me. I was trapped. Papa would take me on walks to calm me down and it worked. I would feel better for a little while. My father was great; I loved him but I did get angry at him so much, even when it was not worth it. He tried really hard.
When I was 22, I went skydiving. That was something I really wanted to do for a long time. I was glad I did it.
I now have some children. I was scared I could never had them because I was not a woman. I didn't menstruate for years, I didn't have any interest in boys (or girls for that matter), and no sexual drive at all. The worstthing was that I knew exactly what I was missing out on. I didn't let my body become what God had given me. I tried to control what I couldn't. It took a long time for me to accept that I had made a huge mistake.
Anyway, it's a lovely day outside. I am about to walk to the cafe with my friends, for lunch. I don't know what the menu is but a spinach and ricotta pastry sounds amazing! When I was 21, I would spend hours losing sleep over the next day's meals so I could balance out my macros. I thought I was being healthy and strong, but I was just being stupid. I wouldn't focus on an important topic or my company. Choices were hard.
I have only just retired from work. Working in the health field as a doctor has been amazing. Being both a patient and a doctor has shown me basically all sides of being human. I am vulnerable and I am a helper.
It is much easier to cry when you are sad and smile when you are not. Everyone is immersed in themselves too much to give a shit (do old women talk like this?). If you are content, that is enough. I did not chase happiness or joy in every situation, and for that mindset my parents gave me, I am thankful.
I have such a logical and intelligent mind, and when it is used properly I can live my life. Those six years I wasted
I am sitting in a rocking chair outside on a verandah like they do in Old Tom, the cartoon. I am knitting because that is what old wise women do. I remind myself of my grandmother, Mummiji, and also Naniji (I have never met her but she was perfect I have heard). I did not realise but my mother was strong as well. She was caring and accomplished so much. I never told her how much she was worth to me. Or if I did, I would take advantage of her.
In my past, from when I was 15 to about 22, I had an eating disorder. I was a beautiful young woman, but I never let my body grow to what it should have been, naturally. I have no idea what I should have looked like at 18. I was very interested in boys when I was 14; there was a boy I really liked and it was great while it lasted. The peak of my "puberty" was spent in despair and mood swings, a smile that hid a really really hurt Naina. I was lonely and I didn't admit it until I was 21. I had lost my friends; it didn't help when I was already having a tough time making them. I was full of energy and things to say and humour, but I lost it along with my confidence.
I got stuck inside me. I was trapped. Papa would take me on walks to calm me down and it worked. I would feel better for a little while. My father was great; I loved him but I did get angry at him so much, even when it was not worth it. He tried really hard.
When I was 22, I went skydiving. That was something I really wanted to do for a long time. I was glad I did it.
I now have some children. I was scared I could never had them because I was not a woman. I didn't menstruate for years, I didn't have any interest in boys (or girls for that matter), and no sexual drive at all. The worstthing was that I knew exactly what I was missing out on. I didn't let my body become what God had given me. I tried to control what I couldn't. It took a long time for me to accept that I had made a huge mistake.
Anyway, it's a lovely day outside. I am about to walk to the cafe with my friends, for lunch. I don't know what the menu is but a spinach and ricotta pastry sounds amazing! When I was 21, I would spend hours losing sleep over the next day's meals so I could balance out my macros. I thought I was being healthy and strong, but I was just being stupid. I wouldn't focus on an important topic or my company. Choices were hard.
I have only just retired from work. Working in the health field as a doctor has been amazing. Being both a patient and a doctor has shown me basically all sides of being human. I am vulnerable and I am a helper.
It is much easier to cry when you are sad and smile when you are not. Everyone is immersed in themselves too much to give a shit (do old women talk like this?). If you are content, that is enough. I did not chase happiness or joy in every situation, and for that mindset my parents gave me, I am thankful.
I have such a logical and intelligent mind, and when it is used properly I can live my life. Those six years I wasted
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