Dear Doctor...
Dear Dr B,
Hello. Thank you for somehow convincing me to stay as an inpatient. I don't understand how you did it. I was adamant on not coming in, but when my friends proved to have different views to me in terms of what 'friendship' entails, I was left questioning everything. Rejected by my peers, my family did not seem helpful. I realised how much sad and anger I was hiding under a taped-on smile, a permanent mask I wore until it became so attached to me that I forgot it was there. The real me hid underneath and she was currently hidden so far beneath the mask that she was not there. She was the water; she had become the thoughts, not the fish swimming in the water. Or so she thought.
Inpatient. it's different.
It's like I've been given permission to free myself from the Thief in my head. The Mathematician, the Calculator. I've been given permission to just be, and I know I've been saying that so much now, but it's the best feeling. Therapy here has been amazing and I have learnt so much about myself and thinking and just ENJOYING thinking. I ENJOY calculating.
I love thinking but I am not ready to calculate things safely. My mind had to stop my hands, which were reacting to a chaotic combination my curious sanity and my ED mind, from calculating the number of calories I have eaten today and will eat tomorrow. I literally just want to know. I don't want to react, just sit with the fact. It makes me proud of myself that I am able to eat so much and enjoy a variety of foods, openly experiment and then have the energy to use my body for what it is for: exploring, enjoying my surroundings, thinking, studying, researching, puzzles, art, writing, knitting, talking. It makes me proud of myself that I have realised I just want to be strong and content in my body and mind. I want to look like a woman. My face is scrunching now because I did not realise how much I miss my period, to rant and discuss the discomfort of "my time of month" or the PMS or the little fights with my mum over girly things. I am not a woman.
I am crying now. I am writing this and you are not even here, so I don't know how you do it. I am crying, sitting on the couch while everyone watches a TED talk in group. I have no urges to move. I just wish someone would help. I am getting help, I am eating. I am not afraid to eat but it will pass, my metabolism won't last forever. I won't be able to enjoy my food as much as I do now and I AM SCARED.
I don't know what the problem is. I just feel fake. I am not even sick enough to be here in an ED ward. But I don't want to go to the mood ward because there, my portions won't be controlled and it will be up to me. I don't want to get out of here because I will not have controlled portions and quite honestly, I am enjoying the holiday. But holiday means that real life lies ahead. What is real life? I have no urges to binge and here, I have controlled any urges to compulsively exercise. I realised I like to exercise and feel strong, but not over the top. I realised I like to sit around and knit and read and chat and play word games, but I also like to go in the sun and walk with aimlessly. I have no aims for time or calories burnt or anything except my own peace of mind. I admit sometimes I have overdone it and feel my ED telling me this is a justification of all the food I am eating or building an appetite. But I want to build my appetite so I don't feel uncomfortable when they increase my meal plan even more. I hope I have not gained weight, because it means my metabolism is fast and because it will slow down, I am anxious about it slowing down (ED!!!!). Naina says it will know what to do when/if it happens. ED says my hunger levels will never stop and I will become a fat slob.
I don't want to be fat. I really don't. I don't want to be skin and bones like so many of the women in here, whose voices are almost non-existent, like they want to make their body and mind disappear. These women are so smart and have personalities but they don't seem to realise that. But I can't believe that I am in the same boat. I am not as funny or able to do cryptic crosswords like some of them. I still feel fake.
I still feel fake because I have to get up and get my second protein or carb portion while the girls struggle with their small or standard meals. I don't have a problem! I eat so much. The girls say I am so positive and probably think I shouldn't be in here. The strangest compliment I received today was when Lotty told me she thought I should be here. I was so happy to hear I was sick. That is not true. I was happy to hear I was not a fake. By the way I have stopped crying.
To some degree, I am happy to be sick. It means someone can look after me and give my mind a break. I am so so so alone. I am dependent. I mean "I FEEL dependent." I am not ready to go back into the big bad world because it means I have to look after myself. Why can't I have a permanent holiday 'bulk season' here? Why can't I have a permanent holiday outside? Why am I avoiding going out? I like it here with people, it is so weird. They understand.
And this is why I feel so fake; I want to be here. No-one else wants to be here. If I did not want to be here and that is when I should be here, then if I want to be here, I shouldn't be here. Makes sense.
Welcome to my world.
I would like to go outside for some air and a 5-10 minute stretch from sitting cross legged for the past hour. Surely that is healthy movement?
Anyway.
See you soon. :)
P.S: I can't believe I convinced myself I don't like butter. Good ol' bread and butter. I am glad I realised I don't like cucumber or beans, and that I enjoy chocolate but when I give myself permission, I don't actually feel like I need to eat more of it. I finish the portion I have, but don't feel the need to have more, nor do I feel guilty for the one I have had. I am glad I realised that I don't actually like the caramel or wafer in a Picnic bar, but really enjoyed the chocolately peanuts.
Hello. Thank you for somehow convincing me to stay as an inpatient. I don't understand how you did it. I was adamant on not coming in, but when my friends proved to have different views to me in terms of what 'friendship' entails, I was left questioning everything. Rejected by my peers, my family did not seem helpful. I realised how much sad and anger I was hiding under a taped-on smile, a permanent mask I wore until it became so attached to me that I forgot it was there. The real me hid underneath and she was currently hidden so far beneath the mask that she was not there. She was the water; she had become the thoughts, not the fish swimming in the water. Or so she thought.
Inpatient. it's different.
It's like I've been given permission to free myself from the Thief in my head. The Mathematician, the Calculator. I've been given permission to just be, and I know I've been saying that so much now, but it's the best feeling. Therapy here has been amazing and I have learnt so much about myself and thinking and just ENJOYING thinking. I ENJOY calculating.
I love thinking but I am not ready to calculate things safely. My mind had to stop my hands, which were reacting to a chaotic combination my curious sanity and my ED mind, from calculating the number of calories I have eaten today and will eat tomorrow. I literally just want to know. I don't want to react, just sit with the fact. It makes me proud of myself that I am able to eat so much and enjoy a variety of foods, openly experiment and then have the energy to use my body for what it is for: exploring, enjoying my surroundings, thinking, studying, researching, puzzles, art, writing, knitting, talking. It makes me proud of myself that I have realised I just want to be strong and content in my body and mind. I want to look like a woman. My face is scrunching now because I did not realise how much I miss my period, to rant and discuss the discomfort of "my time of month" or the PMS or the little fights with my mum over girly things. I am not a woman.
I am crying now. I am writing this and you are not even here, so I don't know how you do it. I am crying, sitting on the couch while everyone watches a TED talk in group. I have no urges to move. I just wish someone would help. I am getting help, I am eating. I am not afraid to eat but it will pass, my metabolism won't last forever. I won't be able to enjoy my food as much as I do now and I AM SCARED.
I don't know what the problem is. I just feel fake. I am not even sick enough to be here in an ED ward. But I don't want to go to the mood ward because there, my portions won't be controlled and it will be up to me. I don't want to get out of here because I will not have controlled portions and quite honestly, I am enjoying the holiday. But holiday means that real life lies ahead. What is real life? I have no urges to binge and here, I have controlled any urges to compulsively exercise. I realised I like to exercise and feel strong, but not over the top. I realised I like to sit around and knit and read and chat and play word games, but I also like to go in the sun and walk with aimlessly. I have no aims for time or calories burnt or anything except my own peace of mind. I admit sometimes I have overdone it and feel my ED telling me this is a justification of all the food I am eating or building an appetite. But I want to build my appetite so I don't feel uncomfortable when they increase my meal plan even more. I hope I have not gained weight, because it means my metabolism is fast and because it will slow down, I am anxious about it slowing down (ED!!!!). Naina says it will know what to do when/if it happens. ED says my hunger levels will never stop and I will become a fat slob.
I don't want to be fat. I really don't. I don't want to be skin and bones like so many of the women in here, whose voices are almost non-existent, like they want to make their body and mind disappear. These women are so smart and have personalities but they don't seem to realise that. But I can't believe that I am in the same boat. I am not as funny or able to do cryptic crosswords like some of them. I still feel fake.
I still feel fake because I have to get up and get my second protein or carb portion while the girls struggle with their small or standard meals. I don't have a problem! I eat so much. The girls say I am so positive and probably think I shouldn't be in here. The strangest compliment I received today was when Lotty told me she thought I should be here. I was so happy to hear I was sick. That is not true. I was happy to hear I was not a fake. By the way I have stopped crying.
To some degree, I am happy to be sick. It means someone can look after me and give my mind a break. I am so so so alone. I am dependent. I mean "I FEEL dependent." I am not ready to go back into the big bad world because it means I have to look after myself. Why can't I have a permanent holiday 'bulk season' here? Why can't I have a permanent holiday outside? Why am I avoiding going out? I like it here with people, it is so weird. They understand.
And this is why I feel so fake; I want to be here. No-one else wants to be here. If I did not want to be here and that is when I should be here, then if I want to be here, I shouldn't be here. Makes sense.
Welcome to my world.
I would like to go outside for some air and a 5-10 minute stretch from sitting cross legged for the past hour. Surely that is healthy movement?
Anyway.
See you soon. :)
P.S: I can't believe I convinced myself I don't like butter. Good ol' bread and butter. I am glad I realised I don't like cucumber or beans, and that I enjoy chocolate but when I give myself permission, I don't actually feel like I need to eat more of it. I finish the portion I have, but don't feel the need to have more, nor do I feel guilty for the one I have had. I am glad I realised that I don't actually like the caramel or wafer in a Picnic bar, but really enjoyed the chocolately peanuts.
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