I am at work.
I shouldn't be blogging.
I'm fucking tired of this shit. I can't take it any more.
My bad habits are no longer making me feel good or accomplished, a feeling which I seek so desperately. So desperately that I have lost my friends and any potential relationships in the making of this new "Naina" who is a shithead.
I was listening to the radio on the way to work. I hated the lyrics of every song because
a) they were all love songs and depicted people who liked each other and had real relationships so I was just jealous and felt teary
b) the only relationship I have is with my ED and even "I didn't know that I was starving 'till I tasted you" was more an image of my thin, sickly figure, than a proper love song.
I smile but I am SO SO SO FUCKING SAD and SO lonely and really, all I want is a hug but everyone is busy. I clutch desperately at my sister so much when she is asleep, wake my parents up in the middle of the night (yes, I am 21, twenty-fucking-one) so they can stop me binging, or hug me while I have a hypo or crave salt because I am (probably) dehydrated.
I didn't go to the gym. I am sitting down. I am not burning enough calories. I didn't eat a proper breakfast. I had too big a dinner and then threw some of it out, but not enough. I just want to be an in-paient in the hope that my eating will normalise itself and you know, maybe I will lose enough bloat, because my meals are too big and I am an idiot for not eating through the day. They will make me eat small meals through the day. They will let me sit around and not make me feel guilty for it. My head might, but I will have no control. Quite frankly, I don't even think I'm getting stronger at the gym. An empty bar feels like I'm really trying.
What am I doing?
I want to break up with you, ED.
My Mumma don't like you, and she likes everyone.
I shouldn't be blogging.
I'm fucking tired of this shit. I can't take it any more.
My bad habits are no longer making me feel good or accomplished, a feeling which I seek so desperately. So desperately that I have lost my friends and any potential relationships in the making of this new "Naina" who is a shithead.
I was listening to the radio on the way to work. I hated the lyrics of every song because
a) they were all love songs and depicted people who liked each other and had real relationships so I was just jealous and felt teary
b) the only relationship I have is with my ED and even "I didn't know that I was starving 'till I tasted you" was more an image of my thin, sickly figure, than a proper love song.
I smile but I am SO SO SO FUCKING SAD and SO lonely and really, all I want is a hug but everyone is busy. I clutch desperately at my sister so much when she is asleep, wake my parents up in the middle of the night (yes, I am 21, twenty-fucking-one) so they can stop me binging, or hug me while I have a hypo or crave salt because I am (probably) dehydrated.
I didn't go to the gym. I am sitting down. I am not burning enough calories. I didn't eat a proper breakfast. I had too big a dinner and then threw some of it out, but not enough. I just want to be an in-paient in the hope that my eating will normalise itself and you know, maybe I will lose enough bloat, because my meals are too big and I am an idiot for not eating through the day. They will make me eat small meals through the day. They will let me sit around and not make me feel guilty for it. My head might, but I will have no control. Quite frankly, I don't even think I'm getting stronger at the gym. An empty bar feels like I'm really trying.
What am I doing?
I want to break up with you, ED.
My Mumma don't like you, and she likes everyone.
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