:(: ---- to be or not to bipolar

I feel… sad? I am sad because apparently I am bipolar. That’s not the worst thing; I don’t mind, that can be controlled. What bothers me is that I will no longer be anorexic, because bipolar people are not anorexic. They are binge eaters. They are fat. Overweight. Obese.

I’m sad that I have lost anorexia.

I have also read that “bipolar causes weight gain,” which has been bothering me since I read it this morning. all I can find is that they are the medications such as lithium etc that cause increase in appetite and changes in metabolism, but I am not on those medications. I want to find out whether bipolar itself causes weight gain. I need to know. Dr B will know.

I wonder if I was faced with untreated bipolar or weight gain from the meds, would I choose option A? Probably. Does this mean I can’t get graduate? Plenty of doctors have bipolar. they usually are sensible enough to be treated. Plenty of doctors also have anorexia, but they usually are unable to function, let alone practice. It seems unfair that I have both, or maybe one if an extension of the other. I don’t know.

I have said I don’t know so many times already. I hate this confusion, not knowing. I hate taking the backseat and not knowing where the car is taking me. It’s not me, I need to know.

Anorexia is strong, bipolar is weak. Obese is weak, binge eating is weak. I am not a binger… maybe I am? 

I want to hold on to anorexia. I want to obsessively exercise and control my food intake, because it seems that if I don’t, I will be one of the 35% of obese bipolar people. That freaks me out.

I would rather be dead.

I would hate myself.

Disgust.

I miss my anorexia already. MY anorexia. I want her back. Not “the ED,” but she is part of me and I want her to be back in my life. The control, the ability to say yes or no to food, yes to exercise any time of day, be so headstrong that my mind becomes again a like a wall, emotionless and stoic. Are they coexistent? 

I don’t know. I hate that I am faces with this. Would I rather be depressed? Anxious? Manic? (YES) Fat? (FUCK NO).

Maybe it’s a dumb idea to be thinking about all this when I am clearly not in a good head space. I felt so, almost, proud of my bipolar, because it could be productive and driven, but if it causes that one thing- FAT, I don’t want it.

I was 61kg with my shoes on today, voided. Yesterday I was 59.9. My boyfriend asked me whether I could rather be graduating as a doctor or be 500 grams lighter. I saw his point until yesterday, but now I would rather just be lighter. 

I miss her so much.