Letters to my psych...

Let me get the negative out of the way first: Yesterday, I binged then purged. I chewed and spat. I should have swallowed and let it go (I say that but can't imagine doing it) because I could feel my period coming on. I binged in the morning and then at night (my 2 meals of the day which are HUGE so I know I'm getting enough in) and again this morning. I'm so full/bloated right now.

My PMS consists of cravings for sweet and fatty foods, a good mood and sometimes weird eruptions of tears. I should be, and am, happy that I have my menstruation  cycle back. Nature tells me I have the ability to support a life inside me. This in itself is beautiful (although I have no intention to take up nature's offer just yet!). 

My uncle took me to a temple here in India; it had peacocks, sugar cane fields and an 80 year old priest who liked to smoke hookah. There was a woman who was (supposedly) possessed and she was screaming and crying as she walked around the hallways and was made to bow down to the various saints. I'm not bothered by these things because they're so prevalent here. There is certainly something we don't know about the world, these energies and powers so I hardly question them or react. 

But I did react. I reacted when they brought me an offering of sweetened warm milk, which according to the rules in my head, I could not drink at that particular time. I reacted with tears that felt so liberating that I could hardly work out whether they were signs of entrapment or release. Sitting in a (supposed) house of god, positive energy or whatever you want to call it, with tears forming unopposed, dripping down my jaws, I felt good. I felt great. 

My uncle did a double take and reacted just like my father, initial worry then trying to chear me up as you do a young child. He 'hid' the milk behind him so it wouldn't bother me, as if all the sick thoughts in my sensible mind could just stop. And you know what, they can and they will. I'm done with going easy on that monster who labels then forces and forms these rules. That's it. Im done with this shit. 

I've been going to the gym here and going to some dance classes which I avoid thinking of as "exercise." Bhangra classes are just fun. Gym here has made me feel very powerful and strong, especially since a lot of women here don't work out (to be honest, not many people move at all). People are obsessed with the idea of being thin. At the bhangra class, one woman didn't join our session because "thank god I am already thin."

Being surrounded by this mindset and diet culture ("I can't eat this I'm on a diet," "I've started gym to lose weight," "look at me have I lost weight?") I've begun to think of it as funny more than anything. At the same time, there is so much dense food that is definitely not healthy to be eating every day. And people just lie around all day! I'm getting mixed messages to the point that trusting my own judgement, independent of these comments and actions, is so much better. 

So yeah, fuck that.