I'm here again. I don't know who I am telling or if anyone even reads this. Who cares? I do it for me and my journal is too far away. It's probably good that no-one reads this.
I am sitting here trying to control myself from going to the bathroom. I do not want to vomit up my food. Most of it was healthy. Then I had a whole lot of "dessert" aka sugary cereal. Heaps of nuts. They're healthy right?
Really, all I wanted was grapes and peanut butter, with some oats porridge. It was a good, planned out dessert but there wasn't enough of it. I wish I did not eat so much of the crap I just ate. I wish that I did not think this way. I wish I could eat without standing in the kitchen and reasoning that "it's my last bite and I'll go away" but then be standing there for an hour just eating. Chewing, spitting, swallowing most of it.
And it takes just one bite. Just one. One extra bite to tip me over the edge and decide "don't worry, I'll throw it up anyway." Then eat some more. Walk to the toilet and walk back because since I am throwing up anyway, I can eat anything now.
The gate is open. As if running, I eat faster. What am I trying to achieve? Who am I trying to fool or beat? This is not a competition.
The feeling is passing. Even if I vomit now, not everything will come up. Not everything will come up anyway.
It's disgusting.
I'm not doing it.
I am sitting here, talking on the phone, writing this, but I am not going to the toilet. I am chewing gum.
Make it pass.
It will pass.
I will be fine.
P.S: 4th time crying today. Go me.
I am sitting here trying to control myself from going to the bathroom. I do not want to vomit up my food. Most of it was healthy. Then I had a whole lot of "dessert" aka sugary cereal. Heaps of nuts. They're healthy right?
Really, all I wanted was grapes and peanut butter, with some oats porridge. It was a good, planned out dessert but there wasn't enough of it. I wish I did not eat so much of the crap I just ate. I wish that I did not think this way. I wish I could eat without standing in the kitchen and reasoning that "it's my last bite and I'll go away" but then be standing there for an hour just eating. Chewing, spitting, swallowing most of it.
And it takes just one bite. Just one. One extra bite to tip me over the edge and decide "don't worry, I'll throw it up anyway." Then eat some more. Walk to the toilet and walk back because since I am throwing up anyway, I can eat anything now.
The gate is open. As if running, I eat faster. What am I trying to achieve? Who am I trying to fool or beat? This is not a competition.
The feeling is passing. Even if I vomit now, not everything will come up. Not everything will come up anyway.
It's disgusting.
I'm not doing it.
I am sitting here, talking on the phone, writing this, but I am not going to the toilet. I am chewing gum.
Make it pass.
It will pass.
I will be fine.
P.S: 4th time crying today. Go me.
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